I’m not exactly sure why people feel comfortable talking about their sex lives with me. I host fetish events and walk around in corsets, so in those specific instances, yes, I get that I am literally putting myself out there for people to talk dirty to me. But even in my youth, I was the one advising my friends on french kissing or positive body image. Through the years I’ve learned that it stems from the desire to make people around me feel good. I’m a “people person”.
Throughout the day, I try to treasure the single-serving friends. You know what I mean… the strangers we meet every day at the restaurant/meeting/bus/concert/corner/elevator that become adored moments and part of our story. These brief interactions, while not always sexually driven, are appealing, even arousing, are they not? I don’t actually get off while chatting up an elderly cashier person during our short encounter at the checkout, but their laugh and smile pleases me in a real way. Unfortunately some people suck, and many of our interactions with strangers are unpleasant. For me, the good tends to outweigh the bad, and I have managed to turn some shameful situations into learning experiences.
Orgasms and relationships come in many different flavors and sizes, just like the people having them.
Just a few weeks ago I was out on the town with one of my best friends when a drunk passerby cast some serious shade our way. Let me paint the picture a bit more for you. My friend and I are both gender queer and, while the genders assigned us at birth are different, we are like sisters. We even look alike and happened to be dressed in these outrageous complementary outfits. A “confused” passerby asked me if I was also a man because it was obvious to him that my friend had a dick.
Instead of fiercely chastising him for the unsolicited inquiry — because I definitely felt like tearing him a new one — I responded calmly with “I’m a person; they’re a person. That’s all you need to know.” I could see the light bulb go on in Rude Dude’s head. “It’s really that simple,” he stated. “YES!! IT’S THAT SIMPLE!”, I cried. We managed to have a few more pleasant exchanges on this topic before the liquor took over and he reverted back to his basic Neanderthal instincts.
When discussing or studying sexuality, it’s important to approach it with a “we are all just people” point of view. I mean, just look at how many groups currently make up the community’s acronym: LGBTTQQIAAP+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, ally, pansexual). While recognition and acceptance has widely grown for gays and lesbians, when we delve into the rest of the alphabet, public misconceptions and blatant ignorance take over — even within the Queer community. Trust that every a-, bi- or pansexual person has had to frustratingly explain themselves and their sexual preference, or lack thereof.
I knew that I was bisexual in my late teens. Thinking back, I acknowledge that I always have been. Due to my conservative upbringing, I never considered it as an option, especially in those formidable years. Some people are surprised to learn that I was happily married to a man for over a decade given my proclivity for women at this stage in my life, but that’s the thing about bisexual people, their current relationship status does not define their sexual identity. I am not “straight” if I’m with a man or a “lesbian” if I’m with a woman. That said, education and my own experiences have reshaped my label, as it were. I prefer to use pansexual. Technically, a poly pansexual kinkster, but that’s too much to get into right now. There are verbose definitions and probably a thousand different ways I could describe what this all means, so let’s stick with the theme of “IT’S THAT SIMPLE!”
Imagine a typical Saturday night for most singles. You’re having a drink and someone sits down next to you. While chatting, you discover that you love their laugh. You notice that the color of their shirt makes their eyes sparkle. You “hit it off”. The conversation and the chemistry is intoxicating, but the night must end, so you make plans for the following day. (I know that this scenario is cheesy, but it’s realistic enough that we can all relate to the experience.) The difference between your typical Saturday night and a pansexual’s is that a pansexual doesn’t care who sits next to them. Preconceived notions about gender or sexual preferences aren’t prevalent, so pansexuals can experience love and/or sexual arousal from pretty much anyone or anything that floats their boat at a given time.
Keeping it simple and getting to the heart of the matter in all of this: Labels aside, what do you like? What do you want? Are your needs getting fulfilled? I’m alarmed at how many people I talk to who are trying to understand themselves better or expand their sexual palate, say “No” to their wants or needs and stick to the status quo. My number one sex tip is “never say never.” You never know who or what you’re going to like along the way. I mean, has your favorite flavor of ice cream stayed the same your entire life or have you excited those taste buds with new flavors over the years? At some point someone got you to try something new and you discovered it was the best thing ever! Orgasms and relationships come in many different flavors and sizes, just like the people having them.